To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I need a burrito and a hug.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
