I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
