It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
