omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
