She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
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I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
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classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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