Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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