Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Green mimosas i think yes
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
