I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
