You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
