When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
