If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
