My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
