i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
