A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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