still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
