I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
