Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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