Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
