how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
