when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
