This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
