can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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