I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
