Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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