i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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