i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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