WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
