I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
