I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
