i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
