your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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