I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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