Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
