3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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