chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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