It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
