He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
