He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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