I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
