she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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