your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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