We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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