if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
