I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
