She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
