I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
