If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
