My first STD was from a foam party
thus making me awesome and them whores
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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