I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm like, not good at living.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
