we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
