You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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