Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
