im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
