Banned from zoo.
Again?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
