my sisters under your porch take her home
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
